Perfect Peter
Dirty Dozen
West End Firewood. There is nothing like it. Seasoned. Kiln-Dried. Insect-Free. Quality packages. 12-way custom wood splitter. Hand-selected hardwood. Certified by USDA and MDAR. There, there, little logs, I am here to help you. While I may [...]
Damp Daryl
Dirty Dozen
Wood that is too damp to burn and not kiln-dried. Left unprotected in the rain. A sad soggy story. I was cut, stacked, and left to dry some--let me see--six, maybe eight months ago? It was autumn, la meilleure [...]
Dirty Dilbert
Dirty Dilbert, Dirty Dozen
Firewood that is more mud than actual wood. How did it get there? What were they doing? So my mama always tol’ me to be careful when I was out runnin’ around with the other young logs. “Don’t cha [...]
Green Gretchen
Dirty Dozen, Green Gretchen
Fresh off the tree and under seasoned. This wood will get hot eventually, but the show will be over by then. | Hi! I’m Gretchen! I’m a log and… and… and… I’m three years old! Three! I can count [...]
Moldy Morris
Dirty Dozen, Moldy Morris
Improperly dried wood before being packaged. Gives a new meaning to “Go Green”. Better wear a biohazard suit. | It started in the fall last year. I was going through my daily routine--wake up, say hello to my [...]
Infested Ingrid
Dirty Dozen, Infested Ingrid
Bug infested because the wood was not heat treated to kill all insects. BFFL – Best Friends For Life. | What did you say? Infested? No, I’m not infested. It’s just a few bugs, that’s all. Everyone gets [...]
Fat Fabio
Dirty Dozen, Fat Fabio
Improperly split wood. Like a bad relationship or crazy relatives, it never seems to burn out or go away. | Hey, man. ‘Sup? I’m just dropping by to say hi. Haven’t seen you in a long time, not [...]
Few Felicia
Dirty Dozen, Few Felicia
Ever get a package that has only 3 or 4 pieces of firewood? Really? For a quality cozy campfire? Better buy two. | I’m Felicia./And I’m Felicia./And I’m Felicia, too. We wanted to talk to you/ all together because/we’re [...]