Dirty Dozen

West End Firewood. There is nothing like it. Seasoned. Kiln-Dried. Insect-Free. Quality packages. 12-way custom wood splitter. Hand-selected hardwood. Certified by USDA and MDAR. There, there, little logs, I am here to help you. While I may not be able to dry you out, expel your bugs and mold, or change your negative log images, I can [...]

Wood that is too damp to burn and not kiln-dried. Left unprotected in the rain. A sad soggy story. I was cut, stacked, and left to dry some--let me see--six, maybe eight months ago? It was autumn, la meilleure saison, my favorite time of ze year. But alas, ze warm breezes of septembre subsided into the cutting winds of [...]

Firewood that is more mud than actual wood. How did it get there? What were they doing? So my mama always tol’ me to be careful when I was out runnin’ around with the other young logs. “Don’t cha dare get dirty, Dilbert. Ain’t nobody gonna let cha in their house then.” Well, I was a rebellious lil’ guy, [...]

Fresh off the tree and under seasoned. This wood will get hot eventually, but the show will be over by then.  |  Hi! I’m Gretchen! I’m a log and… and… and… I’m three years old! Three! I can count to three! One-two-three, pick me-me-me for your next campfire. That’s right--me, Gretchen! I’m ready for this, you know. I’m real [...]

Improperly dried wood before being packaged. Gives a new meaning to “Go Green”. Better wear a biohazard suit.  |  It started in the fall last year. I was going through my daily routine--wake up, say hello to my friends in the wood pile, stare at the sky--when I noticed a spot on my right side where there had [...]

Bug infested because the wood was not heat treated to kill all insects. BFFL – Best Friends For Life.  |  What did you say? Infested? No, I’m not infested. It’s just a few bugs, that’s all. Everyone gets a few bugs--it’s perfectly natural. Why, when I was a youngin back in ‘37, there was a whole outbreak of [...]

Improperly split wood. Like a bad relationship or crazy relatives, it never seems to burn out or go away.  |  Hey, man. ‘Sup? I’m just dropping by to say hi. Haven’t seen you in a long time, not since… Saturday. Last Saturday was cool time, huh, man? We, like, went dancing and had that party and ate that [...]

Ever get a package that has only 3 or 4 pieces of firewood? Really? For a quality cozy campfire? Better buy two.  | I’m Felicia./And I’m Felicia./And I’m Felicia, too.  We wanted to talk to you/ all together because/we’re the few Felicia's! It might be a shock/for you to talk/with the three of us, because most people/are used to [...]

Some packagers sneak soft wood into their firewood. They look gorgeous, but burn out fast. You know, darling, I’ve always had the finer things in life before I came here. Best leaves, best soil, best sunlight; I lived in luxury. But that was years ago, before hard times came and the tree where I’d grown up was chopped down [...]

Yeah, it’s hardwood, but man is it “skinny”. It won’t last long enough to start the marshmallows. Enough with the jokes about telephone poles and beanstalks and whatever pun or riddle you have in your funny little brain. I know that I’m skinny, and that you’re not, so there’s no need to make the over and over and over again, [...]